Sexting: how to sext, what to text and how to stay safe

Sexting is one of those things almost everyone has an opinion about and very few people were ever taught. There is no class for it, the examples online are either cringe or wildly graphic, and the stakes feel high because a message, once sent, can live forever. This guide is the conversation nobody had with you: how to sext without it being awkward, what to text first, how to turn up the heat at a pace you both enjoy, the unwritten rules of each app, how to handle consent like a grown-up, and how to keep your private life private.

Everything here is about consenting adults. The examples are suggestive, never explicit, and you are welcome to make them your own.

What does sexting actually mean?

The word is a blend of "sex" and "texting," and it covers any exchange of sexually suggestive messages: texts, voice notes, photos or short videos, sent through iMessage, a messaging app, a dating app or anything else with a keyboard. In practice, a lot of sexting is words. A good sext reads less like a description and more like a trailer: it sets a scene, hints at what might happen and lets the other person fill in the rest. For the origin of the word and related terms, see our page on sexting meaning, and for the abbreviations you'll run into, our sexting slang guide.

It helps to think of sexting in three flavors:

• Flirting with intent. Compliments with an edge, teasing questions, a little innuendo. This is where almost every conversation starts, and plenty of couples happily stay here.
• Storytelling. You and the other person build a scenario line by line: a hotel room on a work trip, a slow dance in the kitchen, the ride home after a party. For many people this is the heart of it.
• Media. Suggestive photos, voice notes, video. This is the part with real risk attached, and we will come back to it.

None of this is a substitute for "real" intimacy. For long-distance couples it is a way to stay connected across time zones. For new couples it is a way to build anticipation. For shy people it is sometimes the only place they can say out loud (well, in writing) what they want.

How do you sext without it being awkward?

Awkwardness usually comes from a gap: one person suddenly switches register while the other is still talking about dinner plans. Close the gap and most of the awkwardness disappears. The best sexts rarely come out of nowhere. They grow out of a flirt that is already there.

Read the room first. If your conversations are already playful (inside jokes, compliments, a little teasing), you have a runway. If your last three messages were about a dentist appointment, start by bringing the flirt back before you raise the temperature.

Match, then nudge. If they answer in the same register, go one step further. If they answer with a joke, joke back and try again another day. A lukewarm reply is information, not rejection.

Pick your moment. A suggestive text at 9 a.m. while they are walking into a meeting, or when you know their phone is face-up on a shared desk, is a gamble with their privacy as well as yours. Evenings and weekends exist for a reason.

Keep your sense of humor. A typo, an autocorrect disaster or a line that came out wrong is not the end of the moment. Laughing about it together is often the most intimate part of the conversation.

What should you text first?

Your first text sets the tone, so aim for something that gives the other person an easy way to play along and an equally easy way to keep it light:

• Random question: what are you wearing right now? Asking for completely innocent reasons.
• I had a very distracting thought about you during my 2 p.m. meeting.
• Remember Saturday night? I keep replaying one specific moment.
• Okay, I need your honest opinion on something. Is it bad that I can't stop thinking about you?
• I'm bored and you're the most interesting thing on my phone. Entertain me.

Each of these works whether the reply is flirty or funny, and nobody is embarrassed either way. A few formulas that make a first text land:

• A callback. Reference a real moment you shared: the look across the bar, the goodbye kiss, the joke only you two get. It proves the message is for them, not a template.
• A question with two doors. "Are you being good tonight?" can be answered with a wink or with a joke about laundry. Both answers keep the conversation going.
• A confession with a hook. "I have something to tell you, but only if you ask nicely" invites them to lean in.

For a full step-by-step approach, with bridge lines and sample dialogues, read our playbook on how to start sexting.

What to avoid in a first text: anything graphic, an unsolicited photo, or a wall of text. If the reply is warm, you have your green light for the next step.

What should you text next? Examples by comfort level

Here is a ladder. Climb it at the speed of the slower person, never faster.

Level 1: playful

• You looked way too good today. Rude, honestly.
• I have a confession, but you have to earn it.
• On a scale of one to ten, how much trouble are you planning to get into this weekend?

Level 2: suggestive

• I keep thinking about the way you kissed me goodbye. Unfinished business, if you ask me.
• If you were here right now, I don't think we would be watching this movie.
• Tell me one thing you would want to happen the next time we're alone.

Level 3: storytelling

• Picture this: you come home, the lights are low, and there's a note on the door telling you exactly where to find me.
• Your turn. I set the scene, you decide what happens next. Ready?
• Slow it down. Tell me what you'd do first, and take your time.

Level 4: closer to the line

At this point you know each other's style. Keep it about anticipation and sensation rather than anatomy. The most memorable lines tend to be about what someone wants, not what they see: "I want you to know exactly how much I've been thinking about you" lands harder than a list of body parts ever will.

A few writing tips that work at every level:

• Use their name now and then. It makes a message feel personal rather than copy-pasted.
• Ask questions. "What would you do?" invites them in and keeps the conversation two-sided.
• Short beats long. A tight line with a pause after it creates more tension than a paragraph.
• Don't fake it. If a phrase sounds like something you would never say, it will read that way too.
• Let silence work. You don't have to answer within seconds. A reply that takes a few minutes builds more anticipation than an instant one.

Want more lines? Our sexting ideas are sorted by moment and intensity, our flirty questions keep things two-sided, and our sexting games add some structure. For tone and pacing, see our dirty texting tips, and for emoji codes, our guide to sexting emojis.

What are the unwritten rules on iMessage, Snapchat and dating apps?

Every app comes with its own norms, and knowing them saves you from the most common faux pas.

iMessage and regular texting. This is where couples and people who already know each other usually end up. It feels personal, but it is also tied to your real phone number and contact name. Remember that your messages may show up on every device signed in to the same account, including an iPad on the kitchen counter or a Mac at work. Read receipts can create pressure, so don't read too much into a delay. If you share a phone plan or an account with someone else, think twice before getting spicy here.

Snapchat. Its disappearing messages give a feeling of safety that is partly an illusion: Snapchat's own help pages confirm that recipients can take a screenshot. Treat a snap as something that can be kept (our Snapchat alternatives guide compares other options). Snapchat's terms also don't set 18 as the minimum age, so be especially careful about who you are talking to.

Dating apps. Most people expect a few days of normal conversation before anything flirty, and some apps' rules limit sexual content in chats. Keep the conversation inside the app until you trust the person: many apps moderate their chats and let you report someone, while a phone number handed out too early is hard to take back. A match pushing you to switch apps or to video chat on the first day is a warning sign, not a compliment.

Group chats. Never. Not even as a joke. Screenshots of a private conversation shared to friends are one of the most common ways intimate messages end up somewhere they shouldn't.

Response time. There is no rule that you must reply instantly. A slower answer can build anticipation, and "I'm at dinner, continue this later?" is a perfectly sexy reply.

How do you ask for consent without killing the mood?

Here is the good news: checking in is sexy when it's done with confidence. Consent in a text thread follows the same rules as consent in person. It should be freely given, informed, specific and reversible.

• Freely given means no guilt-tripping, no "come on, everyone does it," no sulking when the answer is no.
• Informed means both people know what is being shared and where it is going.
• Specific means a yes to flirty texts is not a yes to photos, and a yes to sending a photo is not a yes to it being saved.
• Reversible means either person can stop at any time, including halfway through.

Lines that check in without breaking the spell:

• Is this still fun for you?
• Want me to keep going or save the rest for when I see you?
• Pics or just words tonight? Either way works for me.
• Can we agree we delete these after? I want this to stay ours.

And if you get a no, or a slow fade, accept it gracefully. "No worries, I'll behave" keeps things friendly and keeps the door open for another time.

Should you send pictures?

You never have to. Text and voice notes create plenty of tension on their own, and they are much harder to use against you. Our guide to sexting without pics shows how. If you do decide to share a photo, a few rules cut the risk dramatically:

• No face. Your face is the single most identifying thing you can send.
• No identifying details. Tattoos, birthmarks, jewelry, a diploma on the wall, a recognizable view out the window, the logo of your gym.
• Check the metadata. Photos taken on a phone can carry location data. On iPhone, the share sheet's "Options" menu lets you turn location off for a single photo; most Android galleries have a similar setting.
• Watch your cloud. If your camera roll syncs to a shared family account or a laptop other people use, your private photos are not private.
• Ask before you send. An unsolicited picture is not a gift. "Want a pic?" takes two seconds and changes everything.
• Assume it can be kept. Disappearing messages and screenshot alerts help, but nothing stops someone from photographing their screen with a second phone.